Almost there

I can finally see the end of the tunnel. I am three weeks in to my fall semester and things are going well so far. Taking 15 credit hours is a challenge for sure but I feel like I am in a good place. I am actually starting to believe that I am going to Graduate!! 

As happy as I am that things are going well in school I am still saddened by what is going on in my personal life. Separating from Deshawn has been heart breaking. I am glad that we are still friends and that he is still there for me, but I miss my husband a great deal. I can't even bare to think about being amongst the" Single" crowd again. I hate dating, and at this point in my life I have no interest in it. I feel like I had the one great love and now it is over. I am okay, at least I know I will be but honestly...this sucks!

What and amazing birthday!!!

I had the most amazing Birthday week! Deshawn and I went to Austin and San Antonio for the weekend. I had been planning this get away for about 6 months so when Deshawn and I split up I was sad that I was going to have to cancel all my plans; but after much thought Deshawn and I decided to still go, as friends.We left Dallas mid-afternoon on Thursday and headed south. I love road trips...something I inherited from my Father! We both knew that when we got to Austin there would be lots of question to answer about our relationship so we spent the time between Dallas and Austin talking about us and where our journey was taking us. Here is the answer in a nut shell..We are good friends, and neither of us see the need to change that so for now we are roommates, best friends, and part of each others support circle. We both feel that our path for now is meant to be walked alone and not as a married couple. This all may be hard for someone on the outside looking in to understand but it makes perfect sense to us and that's all that matters!

After spending the night in Austin we headed to San Antonio. We had made plans to see the Alamo and visit the River Walk on Friday. We added Ripley's believe it or Not and the wax museum just for giggles and it was the most fun I have had in a very long time!!

On Saturday we went to SeaWorld...which was MY whole reason for wanting to go to San Antonio in the first place! We rode both roller coasters and the water ride but the best part of the day (besides spending time together) was the whales! What beautiful majestic creatures, I was brought to tears by their energy and beauty.It was one of the best Birthdays I have ever had. I am so blessed in my life and despite everything that has gone on in the last 6 months I am happy about the path I am on and the journey that still lies before me.

Another one down...2 more to go

I just completed another semester! Now the final push to graduation next May! I have a two week break before Fall Semester starts, and I need it before I attempt to take 15 credit hours! This has been a long hard road for me but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am beginning to think I can really do this! I could not have done it without the people I have in my life who believed in me like Pop and Deshawn and Chels , all of whom never let me forget that I am capable of finishing this task! I am truly blessed to have such great support!!

Tough Times....

I seem to have so many blogs about tough times. I started looking back at the things I write and it must seem to the outside person that either I complain a lot, or  my life is really horrible.Neither is true. I have a good life and the things I have gone through and the lessons I have learned have given me immeasurable strength. 

My Professor, they very knowledgeable Dr. Coleman-Mason said Tuesday in class that if you do not go through some crisis in your life you are very unprepared for what life throws at you. For every crisis I go through, as hard as it is, I learn something either about myself or human nature on a whole.

Deshawn and I are going through a lot right now and our relationship is being tested to say the very least. We are both having some realizations about ourselves and each other. My hope is that we both come to the same conclusion about our life together and what we want out of it. 

Growth and learning is hardly ever easy or painless. Both of us are in a lot of pain right now, trust has been lost  and we both are asking ourselves tough questions.

For me the important thing is to get to the root of what is causing my anger and pain so that I may process it, feel it , and move on. My feelings of abandonment and loss go back 40+ years and there are monumental events in my past that I never fully processed. Gratefully I have the tools today and learn more tools every day (the benefits of being a counseling student).

  Deshawn is dealing with his own issues as well and I am trying to show him the tools I have been given as well as trying to be patient and understanding. Certainly a chapter of our lives has ended and a new one is beginning, this is both terrifying and hopeful. Deshawn is not a huge fan of change and so his journey has an added obstacle that I do not have. 

I do have a lot of work to do however, and both Deshawn and I are very fortunate to have a strong support network. We both feel that with the help of our friends and family we will get through this and move forward.

Is there something in the water?

It seems that so many of my family and friends are going through serious health and legal issues lately. Common procedures are turning in to scary problems, and simple legal issues are turning in to huge court room battles!

My little sister Tina just had her gallbladder removed, which in itself is a simple thing. Doctors do thousands of them. But Tina had so many large stones and scar tissue from previous surgeries that her procedure was not simple at all. The surgery  did thankfully go well and she is home now but she is in a lot of pain and has very little support. I wish I could be with her to help her out. I know how difficult it can be to try to heal yourself when you are alone.

I found out  that my Step-Mother Sharon also had surgery yesterday. I am not exactly sure what is going on but I do understand that she has a bad infection in her veins that could be life threatening. Sharon is one of the toughest women I know but she has been plagued with such horrible health issues including Cancer. She and My Dad have been together for over 25 years I think and they have been through a lot together, but this is just really scary for both of them. I could hear the fear and sadness in my father's voice when I talked to him on the phone last night and it broke my heart. My Father is my hero and one of the strongest men I know and to hear and feel him going through such pain is almost unbearable for me. If I had the means to be in West Virginia right to help him through this I would!

I have another friend who is going through a messy divorce. She and her 16 year old daughter are spending their days wondering what horrible event will happen next and how much is this all going to cost! The financial burden is almost as great as the emotional one. Her soon to be ex has become irrational and dangerous and I am worried sick about them. I have yet another friend that has been battling her ex husband for two years now over custody of their two kids and child support. He seems to enjoy  going to court because he creates things to drag her through! It's just crazy!

So I ask " is there something in the water? are the planets alined weird or what?" Bad things are happening to good people and it makes me uneasy and sad. Please keep these people in your prayers and help me send good positive and healing energy to all of them!

just how I feel today

Do you ever one of those days where you just feel not good enough? I am sure that most people feel like this at some point in their lives but I seem to feel like this often. I try to talk to people about it but it always seems like I am fishing for compliments or something. I am not. I just feel like I am not the person people want me to be. Now I know that the only person that truly matters is me but we all want  people to accept us and like us. Right now I feel as if I am letting everyone down including myself and I am not sure how to fix that feeling. I am feeling like if I just stopped doing whatever it is that I am doing that seems to annoy everyone then everyone would be happy with me. The problem is I don't know what it is I am doing wrong and when I ask no one seems to be able to tell me exactly what it is...they do tell me that I do things that make them angry but that can't seem to explain exactly what that is. Mostly I get " I don't like the way you express your feelings" or " I don't like it when you talk to other people about what is going on in the house"... I am not sure how to change how I express myself other than to watch my tone of voice and try to think about what I am saying before I say it. As far as talking to other people...well that's just how I process stuff. I gather opinions, ideas and perceptions and go from there...I am a counselor that's what we do. I am not sure how to change that or if I should change that. I am an advocate for change, but I am also aware of the motivations for change, the best  motivation should be the want or need to better yourself for yourself....changing to make some one like you more does not seem healthy to me. I want  certain people to WANT to be around me and I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to make that happen and its just not working.

What I have learned today....

I have been pondering over the idea of my own self worth for many weeks now. It all started when I saw Sarah Ferguson on the Oprah show and she asked what self-worth was, this got me to thinking about my own self worth or the lack there of. I have been feeling very worthless of late, my family is going through a tough time financially and because I have been unable to find work I feel like I am part of the problem and not part of the solution. In my last blog I asked if self worth was found by helping others than is my self worth wrapped up in other people. I got great feed back from several people. Ultimately what I am learning is that we all are born "Worthy" and that it is up to us to feel and do things that promote that worthiness. I was watching a show tonight about Oprah and she said " all of life is about growing to your own personal best." As she spoke those words I had an "AH-HA" moment....I will find my self worth when I do what it is that the universe has meant for me to do. I am a firm believer in that there are no accidents, that everything happens for a reason. The events of my life are leading me down a path, and it is that journey that holds my purpose in life. I believe today that I am meant to share my journey with others so that they may find there own strength to do what they must do to make their life better. This is why I have been lead to becoming a counselor, this is my gift to give to others, this is my place of self-worth. There is a flow to the energy of the universe and when I am in sync with what the universe has planned for me that flow feels very natural, when I fight the plan I am out of sync. The universe first speaks to us in a whisper....today I am learning to listen to the whisper so that I don't have to get hit by a brick.