Almost there

I can finally see the end of the tunnel. I am three weeks in to my fall semester and things are going well so far. Taking 15 credit hours is a challenge for sure but I feel like I am in a good place. I am actually starting to believe that I am going to Graduate!! 

As happy as I am that things are going well in school I am still saddened by what is going on in my personal life. Separating from Deshawn has been heart breaking. I am glad that we are still friends and that he is still there for me, but I miss my husband a great deal. I can't even bare to think about being amongst the" Single" crowd again. I hate dating, and at this point in my life I have no interest in it. I feel like I had the one great love and now it is over. I am okay, at least I know I will be but honestly...this sucks!

What and amazing birthday!!!

I had the most amazing Birthday week! Deshawn and I went to Austin and San Antonio for the weekend. I had been planning this get away for about 6 months so when Deshawn and I split up I was sad that I was going to have to cancel all my plans; but after much thought Deshawn and I decided to still go, as friends.We left Dallas mid-afternoon on Thursday and headed south. I love road trips...something I inherited from my Father! We both knew that when we got to Austin there would be lots of question to answer about our relationship so we spent the time between Dallas and Austin talking about us and where our journey was taking us. Here is the answer in a nut shell..We are good friends, and neither of us see the need to change that so for now we are roommates, best friends, and part of each others support circle. We both feel that our path for now is meant to be walked alone and not as a married couple. This all may be hard for someone on the outside looking in to understand but it makes perfect sense to us and that's all that matters!

After spending the night in Austin we headed to San Antonio. We had made plans to see the Alamo and visit the River Walk on Friday. We added Ripley's believe it or Not and the wax museum just for giggles and it was the most fun I have had in a very long time!!

On Saturday we went to SeaWorld...which was MY whole reason for wanting to go to San Antonio in the first place! We rode both roller coasters and the water ride but the best part of the day (besides spending time together) was the whales! What beautiful majestic creatures, I was brought to tears by their energy and beauty.It was one of the best Birthdays I have ever had. I am so blessed in my life and despite everything that has gone on in the last 6 months I am happy about the path I am on and the journey that still lies before me.

Another one down...2 more to go

I just completed another semester! Now the final push to graduation next May! I have a two week break before Fall Semester starts, and I need it before I attempt to take 15 credit hours! This has been a long hard road for me but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I am beginning to think I can really do this! I could not have done it without the people I have in my life who believed in me like Pop and Deshawn and Chels , all of whom never let me forget that I am capable of finishing this task! I am truly blessed to have such great support!!

Tough Times....

I seem to have so many blogs about tough times. I started looking back at the things I write and it must seem to the outside person that either I complain a lot, or  my life is really horrible.Neither is true. I have a good life and the things I have gone through and the lessons I have learned have given me immeasurable strength. 

My Professor, they very knowledgeable Dr. Coleman-Mason said Tuesday in class that if you do not go through some crisis in your life you are very unprepared for what life throws at you. For every crisis I go through, as hard as it is, I learn something either about myself or human nature on a whole.

Deshawn and I are going through a lot right now and our relationship is being tested to say the very least. We are both having some realizations about ourselves and each other. My hope is that we both come to the same conclusion about our life together and what we want out of it. 

Growth and learning is hardly ever easy or painless. Both of us are in a lot of pain right now, trust has been lost  and we both are asking ourselves tough questions.

For me the important thing is to get to the root of what is causing my anger and pain so that I may process it, feel it , and move on. My feelings of abandonment and loss go back 40+ years and there are monumental events in my past that I never fully processed. Gratefully I have the tools today and learn more tools every day (the benefits of being a counseling student).

  Deshawn is dealing with his own issues as well and I am trying to show him the tools I have been given as well as trying to be patient and understanding. Certainly a chapter of our lives has ended and a new one is beginning, this is both terrifying and hopeful. Deshawn is not a huge fan of change and so his journey has an added obstacle that I do not have. 

I do have a lot of work to do however, and both Deshawn and I are very fortunate to have a strong support network. We both feel that with the help of our friends and family we will get through this and move forward.

Is there something in the water?

It seems that so many of my family and friends are going through serious health and legal issues lately. Common procedures are turning in to scary problems, and simple legal issues are turning in to huge court room battles!

My little sister Tina just had her gallbladder removed, which in itself is a simple thing. Doctors do thousands of them. But Tina had so many large stones and scar tissue from previous surgeries that her procedure was not simple at all. The surgery  did thankfully go well and she is home now but she is in a lot of pain and has very little support. I wish I could be with her to help her out. I know how difficult it can be to try to heal yourself when you are alone.

I found out  that my Step-Mother Sharon also had surgery yesterday. I am not exactly sure what is going on but I do understand that she has a bad infection in her veins that could be life threatening. Sharon is one of the toughest women I know but she has been plagued with such horrible health issues including Cancer. She and My Dad have been together for over 25 years I think and they have been through a lot together, but this is just really scary for both of them. I could hear the fear and sadness in my father's voice when I talked to him on the phone last night and it broke my heart. My Father is my hero and one of the strongest men I know and to hear and feel him going through such pain is almost unbearable for me. If I had the means to be in West Virginia right to help him through this I would!

I have another friend who is going through a messy divorce. She and her 16 year old daughter are spending their days wondering what horrible event will happen next and how much is this all going to cost! The financial burden is almost as great as the emotional one. Her soon to be ex has become irrational and dangerous and I am worried sick about them. I have yet another friend that has been battling her ex husband for two years now over custody of their two kids and child support. He seems to enjoy  going to court because he creates things to drag her through! It's just crazy!

So I ask " is there something in the water? are the planets alined weird or what?" Bad things are happening to good people and it makes me uneasy and sad. Please keep these people in your prayers and help me send good positive and healing energy to all of them!

just how I feel today

Do you ever one of those days where you just feel not good enough? I am sure that most people feel like this at some point in their lives but I seem to feel like this often. I try to talk to people about it but it always seems like I am fishing for compliments or something. I am not. I just feel like I am not the person people want me to be. Now I know that the only person that truly matters is me but we all want  people to accept us and like us. Right now I feel as if I am letting everyone down including myself and I am not sure how to fix that feeling. I am feeling like if I just stopped doing whatever it is that I am doing that seems to annoy everyone then everyone would be happy with me. The problem is I don't know what it is I am doing wrong and when I ask no one seems to be able to tell me exactly what it is...they do tell me that I do things that make them angry but that can't seem to explain exactly what that is. Mostly I get " I don't like the way you express your feelings" or " I don't like it when you talk to other people about what is going on in the house"... I am not sure how to change how I express myself other than to watch my tone of voice and try to think about what I am saying before I say it. As far as talking to other people...well that's just how I process stuff. I gather opinions, ideas and perceptions and go from there...I am a counselor that's what we do. I am not sure how to change that or if I should change that. I am an advocate for change, but I am also aware of the motivations for change, the best  motivation should be the want or need to better yourself for yourself....changing to make some one like you more does not seem healthy to me. I want  certain people to WANT to be around me and I feel like I am spinning my wheels trying to make that happen and its just not working.

What I have learned today....

I have been pondering over the idea of my own self worth for many weeks now. It all started when I saw Sarah Ferguson on the Oprah show and she asked what self-worth was, this got me to thinking about my own self worth or the lack there of. I have been feeling very worthless of late, my family is going through a tough time financially and because I have been unable to find work I feel like I am part of the problem and not part of the solution. In my last blog I asked if self worth was found by helping others than is my self worth wrapped up in other people. I got great feed back from several people. Ultimately what I am learning is that we all are born "Worthy" and that it is up to us to feel and do things that promote that worthiness. I was watching a show tonight about Oprah and she said " all of life is about growing to your own personal best." As she spoke those words I had an "AH-HA" moment....I will find my self worth when I do what it is that the universe has meant for me to do. I am a firm believer in that there are no accidents, that everything happens for a reason. The events of my life are leading me down a path, and it is that journey that holds my purpose in life. I believe today that I am meant to share my journey with others so that they may find there own strength to do what they must do to make their life better. This is why I have been lead to becoming a counselor, this is my gift to give to others, this is my place of self-worth. There is a flow to the energy of the universe and when I am in sync with what the universe has planned for me that flow feels very natural, when I fight the plan I am out of sync. The universe first speaks to us in a whisper....today I am learning to listen to the whisper so that I don't have to get hit by a brick.

Hmmmm The questions of the day....

It has been a trying year for all of us so far. I have so many friends and family that have lost family members, are having financial problems, health problems and so on. It is hard to keep ones head up and think positively.
I made a promise to myself at the beginning of the year that I was going to try my best to start each day with a positive thought, and for the most part I feel like I have done that. I do have days that I just feel like there is no point, but I snap out of that feeling as fast as I can and get on with my day. I have found myself feeling very sad lately. Have you ever felt sadness but you were not sure where the sadness is coming from? I wonder if this is just a part of suffering from Depression. I believe that all feelings have a root or cause. Just like all pain has an origin, so do all feelings. So where is the sadness coming from? My relationship with Deshawn is getting stronger every day. We are the united front, so that's not it....I am doing well in school, my weight is dropping, and for the most part all my needs are being met, so why so sad?
I was watching the final Oprah show today and she said that she found happiness in making others happy and helping them to improve their own lives. I asked once how one finds self worth and the answer I got most was by helping others find their worth. I feel like I do that to the best of my ability but when your help is refused, what do you do then? How do you get past that rejected feeling when you know what you are offering another is just what they need but they choose not to take it. Oprah said that when some one does not want what she has to offer she gives her blessing and walks away. I can't seem to walk away...Take my help and advise Damn it!!! So now my question is...if finding your self worth is in help others find theirs and they refuse your help...what then? I'm not sure I like the thought of my self worth being wrapped up in someone else...maybe I am missing something. I understand that I am responsible for my own self worth, but if I don't know what it looks like or feels like how can I find it?

Three wekks into Faire....

As I said in my last post Faire season here in North Texas is one of my favorites times of year. The only thing I hate about it is that it seems that 8 weeks go by entirely to fast. We shared opening weekend with our dear friends Saundra and Angelita, who drove up from San Antonio. Opening weekend holds such magik and excitement for me. 

 Second weekend I took Sean, Eden and the boys out. It was the first faire experience for Murdoc and Archer. It was a full circle moment for me to share my beloved Scarborough with my beautiful grandchildren. I still have such fond memories of taking my boys out there for the first time and for years after. Stephen and Sean spent a good amount of their childhood in and around the faire, up in her trees and playing in her creek. They met people Sean still calls friends today.

This past weekend it was just my wonderful husband and I. Deshawn surprised me on Easter with a trip to the faire and we had a great time seeing old friends, getting to know new ones a little bit better, and spending the day enjoying each others company. I also spent the day remembering all the people I have shared faire with, from my Grandmother and Father to countless friends and family.
In a time when my life seems very out of control the faire offers me both a mental and emotional escape. A place where I can be just me, laugh and play and feel good. I hope that everyone has a place like this in their lives. Oh Scarborough , how I love you and what you have given me over the last 21 years.
 

Festival time.....

North Texas Irish Festival came and went. We had such a good time eating Irish Stew, listening to bagpipes and other Irish Music and enjoying the day. We saw some old friends, made a couple of new ones and talked in length about our love for festivals. As the boys get older I am looking forward to seeing the wonderment in their eyes as the experience all the fun and laughter their Dad and Uncle experience long ago! I have always said that Autum is my favorite time of year but I must admit the coming of Spring and my beloved Scarborough Faire rank a very close second. I can't wait to show my Faire off to new friends and my grandkids! I am excited to see old friends that I only get see this time of year, and to experience faire from new perspective.

The women of my world

I think that for us women our girlfriends and female family members  have such a profound impact on our lives. I am sure men have the same sort of thing but I do believe us girls see things just a little differently.

 I have been truly blessed to have some of the most amazing women cross my path. I firmly believe that everyone that comes into your life comes with a specific reason, life is about the lessons we learn and the legacy we leave for future generations.

 As a very little girl I didn't really have a strong female role model, and it wasn't until I was a teenager that I found that role model and came to appreciate the bonds that women have with each other.

When I was 17 my Grandmother took me into her home when I had nowhere else to go. It was a very lonely and scary time for me and I did not make it easy and my Grandmother. But she never lost faith in me. She taught me that life is a series of experiences and you can either embrace and learn from each one or you can watch as they pass you by. She lived her life to the fullest everyday and I like to think I got my perseverance from her.
After to moving to Virginia I got to know my Aunt Marie Fay...("muffer" is the name I gave her when I was a little girl.) She didn't see me as a troubled teenager, she saw me as a sad and lonely young women searching for herself, just like she was. We have not always seen eye to eye but when I was trying so hard to be what I thought my Dad wanted me to be it was Muff that told me that no matter what my father would love me and that the true journey was to find who I was and who I wanted to be. We share a love for photography that has helped keep us connected.  She has an amazing eye for beauty  and is the reason I became a photographer to begin with.She has strength that I don't even think she knows she has and has given more encouragement and unwavering love than any other human being in my life.

 My sister and I have not always had the best of relationships, we fought a lot as kids do especially when they are close in age. Laura really showed me what being a sister really means. When Stephen went into the hospital, Laura was one of the first people I called and was the first to show up at the hospital. For 28 days she barely left my side. She was there for everything and did everything I needed her to do and then some. At my darkest moment she stood beside me and held my hand. I really would not have made it through that without her and In the last four years we have grown to count on each other. When things are going well she is the first person other than my husband that I wan to share it with and when things are going bad she is one of the first people I call for advice. She has taught me how to laugh at myself and the world, but more importantly she has given me the gift of unconditional love and support. She is more than my sister she one one of my best friends and I thank my higher power everyday for blessing me with such a wonderful person to call sister.

So many women have touched my life that I could never possible list them here, I have been truly blessed by wonderful women in my family.

 One of the greatest blessing in friendship is my best girl Michell. "Chels" and I have only been friends for 5 years, and in the course of a lifetime I guess that does not seem long, but I knew from the moment I met her we would have a lifelong friendship. I have had people throughout my life who have hurt me in ways that I don't care to recount. At the time I met Chels I had lost my faith in women on a whole and had decided that most women were back stabbers and caddy bitches. Chels taught me what true friendship looks like and what it means to truly be there for someone else. She is the most giving, loving woman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting and has never let me down, or walked away...even when the drama of my life was overwhelming, she hung in there and still does. Sadly both of our lives have become very busy and we don't get to see each other as often as we would like but not a week goes by that we don't talk at least once. She is my rock, she is the voice in my head that tells me to look at things from a different perspective, and she in the reality check I often need when things get to cloudy for me to see the entire picture. All four of these amazing women have made me the person I am today and are guiding me into the woman I wan t to be, some from close by and some from a distance but they are always there for me no matter what is going on in my world, and I love them all dearly.

weekend needs to get here quick....

Today was better, in that  I didn't spend the day crying. I did however spend the day studying sociology of race and ethics...not a great way to spend the day. Especially a day like today! I can't wait for the weekend....spending saturday at the North Texas Irish Festival with the grandbabies and my girl Tammy! March 5th is not the happiest of days for me so I am looking forward to fun, merriment, laughter, Irish whiskey, Irish music, men in kilts, women who should NOT wear bodices and did I mention Irish whiskey? I love the beginning of festival season....Irish Fest just means that Scarborough is right around the corner....and then all will be right with the world.... 

it's been a rough day

The tough days get farther and farther apart, but sometimes I think that only makes the hard days seem harder. I look into the eyes of my sweet little grandsons and I see your face. you are missing this...they are missing meeting you and it sucks! I heard today that Flogging Molly is having a show this summer and I thought "Damn me, you, and Sean should totally go to that show!!!"...My Chemical Romance is gonna be here in may and you should be going with Sean for his birthday...and the fact that you are not here sucks too!! Today every song reminded me of you, I heard your laughfter in the wind and I saw your face in every crowd. I miss you punk.......

The beauty within..

With all the stress and frustration I have been feeling as of late I made the decision to take a moment this morning and do some meditation and spiritual reading. There are certain authors I tend to turn to when I need a boost. For example when I am feeling self centered I try to read His Holiness the Dalai Lama, when I am feeling a lack of confidence its Maya Angelou that gets me through. Today it was Silver Ravenwolf. She writes about finding the beauty and peace within yourself, and  says that sometimes closing yourself to the outside world is just the medicine you need to recharge.

 Being a photographer it is easy for me to see the beauty that surrounds me, no matter where I happen to be. For me if the surroundings are lovely and peaceful than I reflect that feeling. So it stands to reason that if I find the peace and comfort within myself that I need to feel okay today than I will manifest that outwardly and be at peace and stress free. Just a thought....



Legends, Veterans and Rookies oh my

For several years now the legends and Veterans of the wrestling business in Texas have gotten together at the Texas Shoot out.

This year Deshawn and I had the awesome pleasure of being able to attend.

 The event was held in Ft. Worth and as soon as we walked in we were both dumbfounded. It was a truly amazing thing to see! That many people in the same room that gave so much of themselves to wrestling entertainment wa inspiring to say the least.Many of the Veterans spoke about the brotherhood of wrestlers and how much the business has changed. Deshawn got to meet people that changed the face of wrestling like Jake the snake Roberts, and like Iceman King Parsons who was the first African- American man to hold a world championship title. There were promoters there as well , of course Richard "Lvis" and Tammy were there as well as Killer Tim Brooks and  Cowboy Johnny Mantell who is actually the one who put the shoot out together with his fantastic wife Kay. I was so proud of my husband who worked the room like a true professional. He talked little and listened a lot. It was a great afternoon, and even though times are tough for my little family having a day like that was a pretty awesome shinning moment I know my husband will never forget.

feeling the pressure

Wow I am really feeling the pressure of life right now. School has become extremely challenging for me, which I guess is a good thing but it is wearing on my brain!

 My health is taking a  lot out of me as well. While somethings have greatly improved like all my "female" issue, I am finding new ailments creeping up that are both scary and frustrating. After the surgery I developed a blood clot in my right lung, which has now multiplied in to two blood clots. I have been on blood thinners since January with no change in my blood levels. If that was not enough of a pain in my behind I now have walking pneumonia.

It seems that the universe is trying to teach me a lesson here and for what ever reason I am just not getting it. Maybe it is to learn to take care of myself first and stop being such a people pleaser, maybe it is to show me that if you just slow down life wont seem to be passing you by, or maybe its just that I am destined to be a sickly person...I have no clue apparently!

I try to think of things that I am grateful for, and there is a lot in my life today. Like the fact that I get to wake up to two beautiful little smiles every morning, I have the most patient understanding partner in the world, my kid is healthy and safe. Really I have a good life, it just is very full and at times very overwhelming.

Sometimes I get caught up in the thought that this aggravation I am experiencing is just my karma for being such a horrible teenager, then I think...aren't I paid up already? I mean seriously I wasn't THAT bad!

 I try not to get into that "poor pitiful me" way of thinking but at times that is very hard to do. Some days I just want it to be about me. I want people to tell me what a strong person I am and that I can do this, but lately I have felt like everyone else's cheerleader and I am without any cheering! I often tell clients that the only person who can make you happy is you...today that feels like a lot of pressure!

Life as I know it...

Aww life with twins!! What a joy and a challenge! A couple of weeks ago it became necessary for Sean, Eden and the boys to move back in with Deshawn and I.

It has been an adjustment on all of us but I think for the most part we are all doing fine. Deshawn and I had to rearrange our study time and I had to understand that they are not MY kids but we are making it. I love waking up every morning and seeing their cute little faces!! My house smells like baby shampoo and diapers but its all good! I am blessed that I get the opportunity to spend so much time with my grandkids! I did not have that when I was young, and even though I was very close to my Grandmother in my adult life